I think our culture pours too much emphasis on a breakup. You tend to see only the nasty portrayal get immediately beamed to some Prime Time news station. As if we need any more negativity in this world. Usually you see the boyfriend mad, throwing something, or someone, acting out with rage, or girls fighting and crying with each other over some guy while he sits back and looks as if he is enjoying it. And anyone else think of something literally “breaking” as in an object being thrown when we hear, "oh so and so are breaking up?"

I have yet to see the gay breakups shown on TV, but I see it happen in my daily life due to being gay and in the culture. Frankly, I have no intention of trying to keep up with who is with whom, and how they ended up together or apart.  It happens just as frequently as heterosexual breakups. The main difference is because we have a “limited” pool of men/women; one of your ex’s can be dating your boyfriend/girlfriend’s ex. Everyone knows everyone, or so it seems. And if you run out of people in your immediate group to date, then why not find another group and make the rounds again. Sounds bad, but truthfully speaking I wish it wasn’t that way, however we are dealing with about 10-17% of the entire population. Dating becomes a huge challenge and in most cases, non-existent for some men/women because they are sick of the bar scene, or once they found someone to settle with, they don’t want to go looking and “see who else is out there” and decided it is easier to stay with them, and put up with _________ (insert pet peeve, abuse?, negativity, emotionally absent partner) than go to the bars and meet someone that they don’t know and try to talk to and go through it alllll over again. There is a fine line between sticking something out, and calling it quits. You don’t see the two mature people come to a realization that the relationship is simply not working out.

Two people can break up for various reasons; values, distance, difference of morals, political parties, beliefs, to the more hurtful like finding out that your partner, or the person you were dating/with just kissed someone else, or worse, slept with another. Cheating. Count yourself lucky if this hasn’t happened to you. I think it happens to a lot of us. I’m not singling out any community here. I don’t care if you are gay/les/bi/trans or heterosexual. I guess one gets the idea that it will never happen to them. Whether you had someone under a microscope or not, or maybe you thought you did all the “checks and balances”, the human behavior, motivations, not to mention other influences (alcohol), (drugs), will and can throw a rock in your relationship. The idea here is how you going to deal with it. It depends on the nature of the situation, but be prepared, just accept you have a good chance of this happening to you at some point in your life.

Having that said, I found out what my first break-up feels like; and it wasn’t an angry shouting match. Surprised? We actually both cried as we both thought about it. Why? I think it was the idea of being alone, that what I came to know as predictable was no longer going to be predictable. Also, the very idea of her being with, or loving someone else, caused a lot of pain for me, in that moment. The very change of the relationship is disruptive, especially if you have been with that person for a long time. Your mind is used to thinking of them being there, and now they are not. What was, isn’t and your mind will replay it like a broken record that you want to dutifully toss from the highest building and watch it shatter on the pavement below. I will offer support and tell you its okay, its normal, and time will heal the pain, and patience is all you need.

I knew I would get jealous of who she was with, not to mention my next thought was now that we were “officially apart” she didn’t love me. Which is not true, at least in this case, for she has told me herself, that she does, and always will. As I have found, you can’t change your feelings for someone. The feelings may alter themselves, turn into caring, fierce loyalty, and friendship, and no longer romantic, but they will be there. Even if they are locked in that time capsule, take comfort in that at one point there was something that existed, and no one can take that away.

Breaking up should not be equated to failure. Although sometimes I think it is, underneath all the hurt, anger, and guilt, hides a hidden responsibility for the dissolve of the relationship, or so it seems to me.  Some people internalize it, and think they are to blame. Like they are carrying a cross and have to crucify themselves. Please stop. I realize it is difficult getting over someone, and know it will always be, but don’t ever think you may not be the sun in someone else’s eyes.

My first ex and I realized we were not in love with each other after about a year. Why stay in a relationship denying not only yourself but also the one you are with of complete happiness. But for some, being with someone is better than being alone. It was very fast moving, some romance, but the motivation of wanting someone to simply understand you, or love you became the sole motivator to quickly move it along to sealing it with a “kiss” among other things.

I have never been an Ex of anyone. It’s such an odd statement. In my fantasy world mind I planned on finding the “one”, and staying with her until the day I died. Nice dream, and I need to deal with reality. It may take a lot longer in sifting through the negative, uncaring takers, to gold-diggers, but in the mean time, after my first real girlfriend, I decided sex isn’t worth the emotional havoc later. Which means, I don’t plan on sleeping with someone until I have known them for at least a year, maybe two.

I found out that saving yourself (yeah, they really aren’t kidding about this you guys/grrls!) is the best method. I decided I would rather be in love with someone for her mind, heart, and soul, than to think, “oh this might last”, sleep with them and then go through more emotional shit than I wanted. Then after the one night she decides she doesn’t love me after all, I get hurt, feel rejected, cry, get jealous of the girl that pulls her attention away, and she dumps me leaving with me the feelings I had and images of our one night stand to boot. Then I’m also left not understanding how she could be so tender, loving, and sincere one night, to cold as ice, and distant the next. While I’m left to question why that all changed, I blame myself, because “she is so perfect”, so it MUST BE my fault. And it is NOT. No thank you! Does anyone else see that I have been there done that?!

I thought if in 1 – 3 years, the girl I am dating grow together, and our bond is stronger, so much the better. But if in even 6 months we drift apart, then what did I lose? No part of myself, thank you.

I have observed, because of myself, and what happened, that often you get the emotional connection either because of or through the actual act of sex itself. No, No, NO! You should have the emotional connection BEFORE you get involved into anything physical. I don’t have a psychology degree, so you don’t have to take my word for it, but I realized that if we would’ve slowed down, took a day at a time, and really got to know each other as friends, that would’ve been a lot easier to break up than to have the sexual past there.

I realized I got a lot of the emotional connectedness I needed through sex itself. You feel loved, wanted, needed, cared for…to be simply held in their arms, hear their beating heart, or to hear them say loving words in your ear. They become your security, and your solid foundation. Let me say something here. If you don’t feel emotionally connected without the sex, please seek professional counseling! The emotional love should be in place and solid, without the sex.

If you are truly serious about someone, you can’t stop or help how you feel, and you will know it. You do for them because you want to, not because you have to. You will go out of your way for them, every time, and expect nothing in return, because just being in their presence is worth it for you. That you will take any time you have to bask in the warm glow that animates from them. You jump at any activity no matter how boring it would be by yourself, because with them, boring just became “exciting”, and the world fades away, and you are left, still happily smiling even after dirty looks the two of you get from others. Your heart rate increases when you are around them, and you get fidgety. Your palms may sweat, become cold, your cheeks flush, and you find yourself smiling, all the time around them.That’s what real love is. I only know of it because I can tell you it exists for I have felt it.

After listening to a bunch of friends that have therapists, I can assure you its not a good idea to get out of one relationship and go head strong into another. This is also known as a Rebound Relationship. Everyone has their own time to get over some one, but it may take 6 months to a year. I know my own mom had panic attacks in therapy by remembering certain things in her marriage of 23 years. It must have taken her about 3-4 years to finally not have the anger in her voice every time my dad was brought up. Now, 8 years since their divorce, my mom and dad can talk and discuss things that are important for my sister and I. Again, not all relationships are fit for re-establishing contact. And it depends if there are children involved or not. It should be only if the two parties are comfortable with it, and with kids, they have to learn to be at least civil to focus on the lives of the kids and no longer themselves.

As a child I remember one of my many guinea pigs dying, and my mom would tell me to wait before getting another one. Well I remember crying so much, I only waited a week, if that, before I got another one. My crying stopped with my focus on the new pig, but I didn’t have to worry about or think about what I lost. Later, I remember feeling guilty about it, because I still hadn’t gotten over the pig that was buried. Equate this to another human, minus the death. Breaking up is like a death, and it can be especially if there was a lot of time, effort, and sacrifice involved and you are now left with empty hands.