It happened unexpectedly. On a chilly night in August, I decided, at the last minute, to call a friend of mine. He informed me that he would be going to a club downtown. It would be more on the Gothic side, but I didnt care. It had been a long time since I had been out to any place. I quickly placed my friend among the small crowd of black outfits. I loved this bar especially since it felt like a dark little hole in the wall. About that time, I noticed two girls. They were the only ones not in Gothic attire. I was introduced. All four of us sat in a booth, and I took up a conversation with the girl next to me.                  

She had long red hair, just past her shoulders. Her eyes genuinely twinkled when she laughed and smiled. The topics of which we carried on with until past midnight, escape me now, but the sense of "I know you from somewhere" captured the majority of my attention since the more I talked to her, the more I became intrigued. Not being able to help the slow pounding of my heart rise to dancing rhythm, I felt that every second I spoke to this girl was an enriched, unwasted moment. I remember thinking how my luck seemed to have changed, and how I met this awesome person. I remember someone asking my age. I replied, and then this girl asked me how old I thought she was. I guessed 24 or 25. She laughed and thanked me, and replied that she was in her younger 30's. My eyes got wide, and my jaw dropped. I was born 10 years too late, or she was 10 years too early. Conversation continued, and again as time went by I shoved out the age issue. It's an issue if you make it an issue. I already decided that that didn't matter.
As I began to scour her hands for a sign of some commitment, a trickle of hope began to creep in, until she mentioned the "H" word. Husband. The thoughts or chances were washed away in a split second. The pit in my stomach returned, and the realization that I would be lucky to meet anyone worthy of my standards, someone I "clicked" with, and for once, not already in a relationship, dwindled to zero. I didnt show the disheartenment nor the sense of loss already spreading. I smiled and carried on the conversation. "The Show Must Go On."  Why not just add a friend to the already long list? I decided that I could, and she might be worth having as well. For one, she has a "sister" who she has hung around for 15 years. The longevity of that already told me this would be more stable than the past 1-2 year relationships I have had. Now all I had to do was cut off the romantic circulation to my heart that would definitely get me in trouble. 
As we talked, I was able to divulge information. One, that I liked girls, and another about the heartbreaks with girls. She would listen intently, attempting to ask questions the best she knew how over the screaming of subwoofers, and a Goth DJ cranking the volume a notch higher with every song.   However, near the end of the night, as I rose to leave, this girl got up as well, and opened her arms to me for a hug. I smiled, and hugged her. Gently, she placed her hand at the back of my head, and rubbed my head through the cascades of my blond hair. I hadn't had a good hug like that in over 9 months. This was genuine.

I decided, right then and there, I better get this girl's email, even though she was already in a relationship. We ended up emailing after that. Talks continued with fluidity, and words sprinkled in rays of eternal sunshine. We talked a lot through our emails, until I had had enough and wanted to hear her thoughts spoken. Within a month, we moved to the phone. In the next week we defined our relationship.
As much as people reading this are waiting for me to say what I know you're expecting, it is not what happened. This is part of learning. Because of age, and just different levels of experiences involved, we are "sisters". I realize that in my initial pursuit, I was searching, or "hunting" for a being, a soul, that would be a girlfriend. I realize the desperation of it due to the age not being an issue for me. After being around a girl I dare not discuss on this site, (I'm sorry but she knows where I live, and would indeed kill me), I was attracted by sheer goodness of this new woman's heart. Her heart was one that did not harbor manipulation, anger, revenge, or using up someone before spitting them out. I picked up on that, by her eyes, her hugs, and her warm demeanor. The last time I had received this much attention was in a Strip Bar, and the girls wanted my money. Sometimes the indulgence of a fantasy, even for a minute replaces the isolation and loneliness you return to reality with.
Strip Bars. I am no stranger to them, and I'm not ashamed to say so. It was an experience, and one well learned. I can say one of my friends from high school was a stripper for financial reasons. The truth is, when you are in an abusive, physical violent household where your dad has access to a gun, and would rather shoot you than talk out a problem, its time to move out. And you will do whatever it takes to leave and support yourself. How does one do that when they can't or haven't graduated high school? There's your answer; that is, at least, how one of my friends had to support herself. And it didn't end from there it seemed. Time and again I either met new girls at a strip club, or knew them before they became strippers, but either way, this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life thus far. So in meeting this new person that didn't have an alternative motivation in earning my affection along with a pocketbook, I was overly overjoyed, relieved, and extremely happy. No wonder I felt like proposing right there.

After 8 months of hanging out, driving north to eat with her on occasion, and a few petty fights of my attempts to keep the walls built strong when all she had to do was tell me, "If you wanna tell me how bad of a person I am, or a good for nothing ______, then I'll be here." The last wall went down. I felt like crap trying to keep her at a distance when all she wanted to do was help me. If there ever is a problem, we are able to talk about it. I never have to worry about her giving up on me, and I love her too much to just extinguish this relationship.

UPDATED: July, 2005

The inevitable happened. I will say I learned a great deal from it. Good or negative, the human being and soul learns from all experiences. Sadly, it’s the negative ones you gain the most from. You say things to yourself like, “I’ll never do that again.” As painful, bad, hurtful as it was, you learned. At least, hopefully those in a bad situation get out of it.

I wanted to update this section because I felt its important for you, the reader, to understand, we (the gays/les/bi/trans) go through break-ups, fights, emotional ransacking, just like you do. Just because we are “gay” doesn’t mean we are happy all the time.

The truth is, when there is emotions you can’t stop, can’t deny, no matter how much you pray to be released, and they won’t leave, you have to leave. This person I was ready to marry the minute I laid my eyes on her, turned out to be not for me. I don’t think I ever cried as hard as I did when I realized I was in love with someone that was/is not in love with me. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was at a loss for an explanation as I saw her drift away enamored with another being. Whatever words she ever told me fell silent as her actions spoke fathoms. I was willing to wait for her, I was willing to do so much, and I had to realize by her answers that we would never be.

Jealously is for the weak and lazy minded. That’s is what I read in one of Sylvia Browne’s books. She has become one of my beacons I follow in a darkening world I always try to take what she says to heart and at least think about it, comparing what is right to me to what she talks about. The fact is, I realize as I am sure the Father God and Mother Azna (Goddess) realizes, (there are two – intellect and emotion. Research people) I am sure I was born this way. No matter how hard I try, I get jealous, and I get upset about it, as the hurt turns to anger. From the outside you could never tell. But fires are raging, stakes burning, volcanoes erupting, dragons breathing fire as they grow inside your heart, your mind, overtaking your reality. But you smile instead. In order for these emotions to stop, I had to do the only thing sensible left. Get away, and leave the situation. 

I knew there had to be a reason behind all of this. Everything happens for a reason. So as I extinguished the burning flame for one, I waited silently. I no longer prayed to God or Goddess for a girl with this or that attribute. I asked the Goddess to send me one of her finest. She would know my heart. I simply asked her to search it, and then search the billions of other souls on the planet for one that would match me. Sound far out? Never going to happen? Come forward with honesty, purpose, and the predisposition to accept whatever may come, and it will happen to you. That’s all I can say.