Something I have discovered recently is that it matters not only where you hang out but who you hang out with. My eyes have recently been opened to the new world of Goth. These are the intellectual people that were probably looked down upon in high school. I asked a guy friend of mine who is Goth if he knew of any girls available. He told me he could hook me up with a bi girl, and practically all the girls at this Goth party were at least bi. At least within this world, you could hold hands, kiss, or as I saw, lead another girl around in a collar with a chain leash and no one would look twice. Girls were with girls, a guy could dance with a guy, and there was, of course, guys with girls within the Goth world. These people I have found to be extremely open-minded as well as mature. All you need is a black outfit.

One evening, I was out late with my best friend and some of her Goth friends en route to a Goth party. This would be my first. I didn't know what to expect, but I decided to face it with an open mind. When we got there, a black haired bearded guy wearing a black skirt with black leggings told us that it was free admission, but asked if we could donate $3.00. I already suspected this was going to be a real interesting night. Since it was Goth night, I wore black tight pants and my best friend's crimson dress tank top. I just loved it because it would display my more masculine muscular build. I went up to the bar and ordered a Coke. I decided to take a real close look at this "Goth World". There were probably only 40 people there. I scanned the crowd sitting back and observing. Its amazing what one can learn just by watching others. I noticed a girl in this black dress, black leather boots that had at least a 3 inch sole, and hair dyed black with blue streaks. I knew this girl was lesbian or at least bi. Then again, the majority of girls were at least Bi, but separating them from the heterosexuals is a job in itself. I watched as she made her way to the dance floor. White and colored lights decorated the dance floor, flashing with the music. The shadowy forms on the floor moved in a slow, sorrowful manner. The music was dark, like a requiem, but not satanic. I would categorize it as "industrial", but that probably isn't even close to the proper term. The music is its own, the artists all equally as good as probably some of the songs that are repeatedly played over the air. However, the only difference is that you would probably never hear "Goth" on a radio station. Here are a few "Goth" bands, but there are tons of others out there I am positive I haven't mentioned. I suggest getting started with Wumpscut, KMFDM, NIN, Beborn Beton, Apotheosis and Apoptygma Berzerk. If you're really curious, then I would recommend starting researching bands that are similar to those, or talking to a Goth Dj.

As I looked around at the small crowd, I noticed a girl with long scarlet hair and an ebony velvet dress. My heart was immediately ignited. I looked at her. I watched her movements, the way she carried herself. Again, I just knew, call it gaydar, but I was definitely picking up vibes that she was lesbian. All during this time, I had finished my drink, and now I was chewing on the straw as my mind churned lost in its own thoughts. I hadn't even met the girl, and already I was fantasizing about her.

As I took another look in her direction, I caught her turning to look at someone on her left. Her eyes glimmered, and her smile was of pure warmth. My eyes lingered on her face then traveled downwards. All I will say is my brain was no longer functioning. My straw fell out of my mouth, and onto the floor. Real Smooth. Praying she didnt see my stupidity, I quickly glanced over in her direction. Her back was too me as she leaned over on a barstool to talk to someone. I became paralyzed as I checked her out so to speak. I quickly went for the straw, and then re-adjusted my top so it looked like I never moved.

I decided to move across the aisle to another barstool next to my best friend's roommate. I couldnt keep it to myself about how hot this girl looked. As I continued glancing in her direction, and then talking to my friend's roommate, I didnt even know that she had already noticed my less than secretive behavior.

As I turned my head to again steal a glance, her head turned, her eyes locking with mine. My heart rate doubled. She knew. I quickly turned looking straight ahead, forcing my eyes to focus on the sway and fluid movement of the dancers. I turned to my friend's roommate, asking her something to get her talking. Anything. My mind was already thinking on its own about the girl in velvet.

'Was she lesbian? Or am I wrong?'

'Shit! What if I'm making eyes at someone that isn't lesbian or bi?'

'What if she's heterosexual?'

My gaydar coming back strong that she wasn't one of the ordinary. But I could be wrong. I never actually used my gaydar, but I have always had my intuition. Thats when I heard someone sit beside me. Oh #@$*. It was her! My heart rate pounded in my ears, my mind drawing a blank. I was chewing on my straw that was in my drink as my mind raced for a pick-up line, or just anything to say. I continued to stare forward, but my peripheral vision stayed on her. Her lips were a dark crimson red, her hair light red with curls throughout it. Her hands were strong, well muscled with the abundance of rings. 'Oh God' I thought; her hands! God, were they beautiful. My over active imagination took hold and imagined what those hands could do...

I felt my senses go on overload as the pounding of my heart could be heard in my ears. At that point, I decided to move before I did anything else stupid. Well, about that time, we had to leave. I left aggravated that I didn't get a chance to talk to her. In actuality I had many chances, but didn't take them. I was too shy, and too much of a wimp to say anything.

My best friend told me there was going to be an after party at some guy's apartment. We arrived early. It was 1am. People started showing up around 2. We went to this guy's apartment to hang out and talk with some friends of a friend. As my best friend and I entered this apartment, we were motioned to take a seat. Some of the gothic people I had seen at the party were there. The room was dark with purple Christmas lights that hung decoratively about the room. As I sat in this camping chair, a girl came out of the back of the apartment. I couldn't believe it. It was her! Again!

"Would you like something to drink?" she asked sweetly.

I remember my eyes getting big as a look of pure shock washed over my face. I was barely able to muster out a "Sure". When she came back and handed me a drink, her hand lingered on mine purposely. My eyes locked on her strong hands and the rings before I met her gaze. She looked me straight in the eye, her blue eyes penetrating my liquid ebony.

That was it; I was hooked for good. My mind proving to me that yes, at times, it was a desolate wasteland. I could think of nothing.

"Thanks." I replied feeling like I was naked in front of her.

She said, "Your welcome." Then she walked back into the kitchen area. Since I was still talking with someone, I didn't want to be rude and leave. But finally, I got up announcing my interests were in the kitchen. She was back there among some other guys. I leaned against the counter watching her get out a pan.

"I love to cook," she announced in general, but I knew it was more at me than anyone else. Her comment out of the blue surprised me since I couldn't cook if my life depended on it.

As the night wore on, I listened to her talk. She was a wealth of information. She knew a lot about the same things I was interested in: writing poetry, reading informative books, astrology as well as numerology, and of course, she was Gothic. And I had yet to see any "sacrificing" like a few friends thought would go on. She also had a heart of gold. In her apartment complex in the basement lived an old cat. She would make sure he was fed, and had water. Not to mention she had 2 cats of her own that were just walking furballs of love. She seemed perfect to me. There wasn't a topic she didn't know about, and the mind being the most important thing to me, I was willing to cherish hers for the rest of my life. When she mentioned that she had this web designing company, I about choked on my drink; that pedestal I already had placed her on grew another 100ft. She seemed to be "the one" in my eyes. But unfortunately, I was later informed that she was with a guy. They were in an "open" relationship because she loved girls and couldn't give them up. But at the same time, she loved her boyfriend. I was torn, as you can probably guess. The answer was something I always knew. I wanted someone for my own, meaning I am not the sharing type. Plus, her boyfriend became competition to me, as much as I hated getting that way, I did. However, I enjoy talking with her boyfriend, and hanging out with him. My dream was a living and breathing person, however, we weren't meant to be.

When I look back, I thought it was funny how I just "knew" she was gay, or at least bi. Actually she was hard core lesbian turned bi. (Don't ask me to explain that one J ) For some reason its harder to pick out the bi girls. That was my first real "crush" so to speak. I was almost 20 years old at the time.

After the weekend party, I went back to school, and to my counselor. I had decided awhile back that I had wanted to find where the gays/les/bi's met. At first, I was shy and scared about seeing someone, a counselor especially. It was difficult coming out to her, especially since I didnt even know her. But I decided that if she was going to be a counselor, she was prepared to hear everyone's problems no matter what they were. She was accepting of me, and asked me questions. The questions helped me analyze my behavior and myself, and it was a time for me to get things out.

She never tried to "change" me like I have heard from various homosexual friends of mine that were forced to go through counseling by their parents. Notice here, it's not the counselor that is trying to change you, it's your parents. Unfortunately, if they don't accept you for who you are, then they are missing out on the most wonderful adventure of their life.

As the weeks passed, it became almost a necessity to talk to someone about what I was going through. I didn't dare talk to anyone else. How could I? Especially when your roommates go on about their boyfriends and problems they are having with them. What could I say to partake in their conversation? "Oh! Guess what! Jane emailed me! We might go out!" Or, "Hey! Guess what! There is this hot girl I saw at this party, she was so cute..." No, unless they were totally cool with me, then I wouldn't want to talk about it since it usually makes others feel uncomfortable. Besides, I usually would get angry after listening to them go on about their boyfriends. My mind would be screaming, 'If you were with a girl, you wouldn't be treated that way!' At least, I wouldn't treat them the way their boyfriends were treating them.

I often had to hide within my own life. I had to be secretive otherwise everyone in the dorm/house would've known I was gay. I didn't want everyone knowing. I believe someone should know only if it is absolutely necessary. After meeting the "velvet mistress", I couldnt stop talking about her. However, telling the girls in the house that I was head over heels for another female would absolutely shock, if not scare them enough that I would experience rejection the next time I met them. So a lot of times I had to make up stories about who I was with or met at a party. At first I talked about a person in general never mentioning the word "he" or "she". I would use the word "they" for the majority of the time. But the girls automatically thought I was talking about a guy. Of course the girl I was talking to asked how cute he was. But it wasn't a he. I wanted to give all the credit to a girl. It was odd talking about a him when it really was a her. My gut got this sickening feeling in it again, but I decided telling the girls wasn't worth it. Well, I got what I deserved. Word spread around the house that I had a "flame" in KC. A guy flame. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. A friend of mine asked me, "So what's he like, is he cute?"

I replied, "I would be lying to you if I told you I had a crush on a guy."

She gave a funny look, a nervous smile, and left it at that. She laughed as she walked away and said,

"I dont even want to know."

Thank God, because after that point, I don't know what I would've told her.

Because I am always humoring people and messing around with them, she probably thought I was just saying this to be cute or weird. Either way, I didn't have to go into it any further than that, and I am glad I didn't have to.

There were also the nights I had my weekly Gay/Lesbian/Bi meetings. I would try to be as vague as possible, like I would say, "I'm sorry, I can't go out with you guys tonight because I'm in a meeting." Usually they will ask what meeting. And What do you say??!!! "I go to the GAY/LES/BI meeting because I am a lesbian?!!!!" Hell no. Some things are better left unsaid. I would usually say I had an Engineering meeting and they would leave it at that. Unfortunately there are times you can't hide. Try watching Xena by yourself in a house with 44 other girls, and they all come out to the dining area, which is just a few feet from the TV, because there was some pizza party going on that you didnt know about. I had a lot of girls laughing at me, and questioning my choice of shows. This is the part where you say f*$% everyone and what they think, and you do what you want because it makes you happy. Soon after that, I decided to record all my shows in my house director's room. Yes, I had to come out to her, otherwise she would wonder why I would be recording "Queer As Folk" or "Xena" at odd hours of the night. However, coming out to only her was well worth not coming out to all 44 other girls. Again, YOU decide who is trustworthy.

I had a lot of reasons to be in counseling for my first semester at the University. I realized in my desperation for wanting to meet others, only made me miss my friends I had made at the community college. I had met no girls at the University. Of 17,000 students, I knew of one bi girl, and three gay guys. How depressing. One gay guy left for the "party school". I don't blame him. I realized my chance for getting a grrlfriend rested back in my big hometown city. Despite the "velvet mistress" was not someone I could date or be in a serious relationship with, she became a good friend, and of all people she would be the one that would know who was 'available' and who wasn't. But that was the least of my problems. Now I was to be stuck in this hell for a year. I imagined a bigger gay/bi/lesbian community, more people to meet to become friends with, and none of this happened. If fact, it was the direct opposite. I lost my personal space, my freedom became restricted, and my self-esteem and self-worth plummeted. I became an online freak. Chat rooms, emails, along with my own enraptures in a fantasy world, was all I cared about. I went through about 14 different realizations throughout my first semester at a University. Here is what I had written in my journal/diary on November 8, 2000:

Because of a bad experience, I learned quickly what it was I wanted. I decided to catch up on a class by going to summer school back at my old community college. I also decided to take all classes at the community college instead of taking them at the University. Now I can be with friends, have my own room, and save money. Being back in KC got me back in touch with something I missed; the Goth community. I have reconnected with the "velvet mistress", and many various others. The "velvet mistress" became a bosom friend of mine, and has become a wonderful friend that I so desperately needed in my life. She has become a savior to me when I can't take anymore of this one-track minded world, especially from a heterosexual point of view.

It's odd. Now that I know her, and talk with her often, I no longer fantasize about her. I still admire her to the point I will follow her around like a puppy dog craving her attention that is sweet and heavenly. I realize I will always love her. I was at first visually attracted, and had placed her on a pedestal, but after talking and conversing with her, she is an interesting person, but a person. Once I got this fantasy out of my mind, you are able to see the person for who they really are, and not your own perception based on visuals and emotion. I now consider her a close friend, and I am very thankful for her. If it hadn't been for her, the topic of "Safe Sex for Lesbians" would have never been brought up.

Safe Sex...Alternative Style!

Growing up I remember countless speeches about Safe Sex. "Wear a condom.", "Take Birth Control Pills" or "Abstinence is the only full proof method". But not ONE of these involved the "Safe Sex for gays/lesbians/BI's." Okay so gays and lesbians won't ever have to worry about getting pregnant, but there are other issues. The biggest is diseases. For example, how far can a female go with another female and not be at risk for AIDS or herpes, or anything else out there? Or how about a man with another man? It looked as though I would have to research this on my own. I did find out that Lesbians are the lowest risk group to getting a spreading AIDS. But I was still concerned about my safety.

All I have to say is, Thank God for my bosom buddy "the velvet mistress". She explained to me all about lesbian safe-sex. She told me if I were to ever "get involved" with a girl, I would need a Dam. They are called "Dental Dams". The one I have is made by Sheer. Dams are a natural latex sheet used for performing "cunnilingus" or (oral/vaginal sex) or anal/oral sex (rimming). She told me they could be found at a Drug Store. I haven't actually looked for one of these, but I know one should be able to find them. They are like condoms, for girls. These only REDUCE the risk of getting STD's. As well as Dental Dams you can make your own barriers. Usually plastic wrap will work, or so I have been told, but I haven't heard from the medical perspective on it.

Based on my personal experience, and other reading material, here is what I found on Lesbian Safe Sex. Here's the address to the site: www.safersex.org/women/lesbianss.html

I also decided to just copy some of it below in case the site is inaccessible.

• Wet kissing is safer unless either of you have a sore or cut in your mouth or bleeding gums. After you brush your teeth or floss, wait a half an hour before kissing.
• Touching your lover's breast, massage, masturbation and body to body rubbing are safer--as long as there is no blood or breast milk exchanged.
• Sores or cuts on the fingers, mouth or vagina of either partner can increase risk during vaginal and anal contact. Using a glove can prevent a way for the virus to get into your blood stream.
• Unprotected oral sex is risky, especially when your partner has her period or a vaginal infection. To make it safer, cover her genital area (vulva) with a latex dam (also known as a dental dam) or you can cut open a condom to make a barrier. If a woman is infected, her menstrual blood, vaginal secretions and ejaculate will have the virus in it. HIV has been found in these fluids.
• Sex toys are safer when used by yourself, but should not be shared without a new condom being put on them.
• S&M or rough sex is safer if there is no blood involved. If you are piercing each other clean the needle with bleach. In shaving use separate razors.

Lesbian Safe Sex Guidelines

The source:

The Center
L.A. Gay & Lesbian Community Services Center

Art Direction & Production: Deborah Hanan
Photography: Maria Elena Boyd
Models: Jenny/Tina, Robbi/Tracy, Amazon, Nico

Another issue I thought that would be interesting to bring up are the different forms of entertainment. Often times I find myself going to the library a lot. Now what happens on a typical day for me to go to the library involves much more than just going in a checking out a book. How is this so? Well, I will try my best to paint the scene

I ripped off the top portion of the bookmark that read the words "Lesbian" and "Gay". I now carry that bookmark around in my disk case that stays in my backpack for the majority of the time. For me, that's a typical day at the library. I usually don't check out any novels that I would like to read just because I don't want anyone else knowing what I am checking out. I often times spend days here and there picking up the same book and I read, continuing where I left off from the last time.

Again, I dont want any pity; I am only sharing something others may have not thought about. If some people still dont know what I mean, then it would be the same feeling if you walked into a Catholic Church wearing a yamacca. I have nothing against either religion, my point is, you stick out once others are able to categorize you as "not one of them".

I have realized I am no ordinary female. I classify males as either a brother or competition. Most of the time, they have been friends or "brothers" to me because of the fact that I can so easily relate to them. However, there are a few I gaze upon with a heart of cold steel, and I imagine how good it would feel if were to lay a heel in their face. Anger, irritability, and competition with other males for females was something I couldnt understand, and yet I would realize my behavior after the fact. I decided to do the only sensible thing next to seeing a psychiatrist. I did some reading in my Psychology book and found some very interesting things regarding gays, lesbians, and bisexuals.

The more I think about it, the more I want to know about how I got this way. For the past few months, I have been in question about the whole issue between biological verses environmental. I have a few lesbian friends that had an absent father. They seemed to "assume" the role of the male and take over, most turning into a tomboy. Then again, I know of other girls that had an absent mother, and they were tomboyish (aka butch). Recently, I have studied the biological side of this issue. If you ever want to learn about the brain read a psychology book. But this is what I found:

The source:

Weiten, Wayne. Psychology Themes and Variations. Brooks/Cole Publishing Company: Pacific Grove, CA. 1998. Pgs 398-399.

My question is this: If gay men's hypothalamus is closely similar to that of a female's, then wouldn't the structure of a lesbian's hypothalamus be closely related to that of a straight male's?

My question was soon answered. Due to my extreme masculine behavior, not to mention the fact that my body was undergoing changes that weren't suppose to happen to females, I made an appointment with a specialist recommended to me by my gynecologist. I went to see an Endocrinologist. This man would know most everything there is to know about the brain, hormones, and more importantly to me, what effects the hormone levels had on the brain. My first visit was a general look over of my abnormalities and getting blood drawn. Right before I was to visit him again, I was nerve-wracked. I knew that he would have to know in order for my questions to be answered. Plus I was compelled to be with honest with him.

Upon his entrance, he plopped down a small booklet. The top of the booklet reading, Polycystic Ovaries. I wasn't really surprised. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, occurs in a lot of women, and is genetic. The main signs of it are obesity, irregular periods, large amounts of abnormal hair and infertility. The problems of irregular or absent periods, excessive hair growth and infertility are a result of abnormal hormone secretion by the pituitary gland (FSH and LH) and the ovaries. I have two of the three, and I could care less about being infertile. I may not be over-weight, but I do have irregular periods that span to every two months to every three months. I also have darker hair in places typical of men; I really dont want to go into it since it's embarrassing, but I'll just say I have a lot more shaving to do. He also showed me results of my blood tests. I had "abnormal" high amounts of testosterone and my LH was greater than my PSH. LH is representing of the male hormone, the androgen.

He explained that my hypothalamus was sending signals to my ovaries that were in turn, producing more androgens than needed. Ovaries, although a female organ, can produce male androgens as well as the female hormone, estrogen. He showed me a chemical compound of both, the only difference between the male and female hormone is a bond, and yet, it could cause so much chaos and havoc. He mentioned that this excess androgen in my brain could cause irritability, anger, and more masculine behavior along with my body being more in the shape of a guy's. At this point, I took out my list of questions, more confident in myself to tell him what he needed to know.

"I wanted to talk to you about something that you mentioned earlier, and I had a question about. I have researched some, and in my psychology book it talks about the hypothalamus..." I said, my voice trailing off, attempting to find words to explain myself.

I showed him a picture I had drawn to clear up my understanding from the book.

"If a gay men's hypothalamus is almost like a straight female, then would a lesbian have a similar structure to that of a straight male?"

He said based on the information, he believed this to be so. Then I had to tell him.

"Well, I wanted to let you know I have been experiencing some tendencies..."

I paused. He encouraged me to continue.

"No, not tendencies, I know for a fact that I like girls. I was wondering if all these excessive androgens have had some effect on me or if it was environment as well."

"Well, I believe it's both. The way of upbringing, but I also believe that because of all those androgens firing signals in your brain, your brain is like that of a male's."

I had my answer. My anger, irritability, and lack of emotion were due to the chemicals in my brain. Lack of emotion, I mean that I am very mind oriented. I don't get lovey dovey, touchy-feely, or let my emotions control my behavior. (Except in the presence of a female that I admire.) I do notice a significant difference though when that "time of the month" roles around. Well, when it does for me, it really does. I get huggy, wimpy, and highly sensitive. I dont feel like myself, my mind becomes second in command next to my heart. But after a few days of that, I become my normal detached self. I analyze, think, and my head takes control over again. Now I understood the reason for my moods.

He had already prescribed me with Proscar, which is a drug given to men for their prostate. However, physiologically what works for men, will work for a woman. However, due to the ingredients in Proscar, if I wanted a baby, I shouldn't even be touching the stuff because it could really screw up a male fetus. But I had already made it perfectly clear that there would be a small chance of me getting pregnant. But this stuff was to calm my hormones and basically make me "chill" out. It also was to block my ovaries from receiving the signal from my hypothalamus to produce more androgens. I haven't noticed a difference as of yet, but I have to be on it for at least 3 months to even begin seeing any results.

********ONE MONTH LATER*******

After about a month of taking this small pill, my mom has told me she has contemplated about calling up the doctor to ask why it's not working. That's what she thinks. She says, "You're an irritated little thing," then she gives me this "look" over the rim of her glasses as if trying to figure out what is wrong. So far, nothing has changed because well, I have to be on this stuff for another 2 months.

Meanwhile...

Near the end of September I had run into a group of guys that were in the same class as me. We didn't have class at the same time, but nonetheless, our schedules worked out that we could all study together. In particular, I met a guy by the name of "Andy", and his friend "ADD Boy". We called him "ADD boy" because he was always coming up with some off the wall subject; plus his mind seemed to work at warp speed compared to mine. He also couldn't seem to concentrate on one thing for very long. At first I hung out with them only on Tuesdays, but more and more I found myself running into "Andy". We usually would go off and talk. He usually would come up with some wild stories about us getting into trouble with the campus security. For example, here's a typical conversation.

"God, I spend so much time here (college), I think I should just pitch a tent on that hill over there, that way I would still be on campus." - Me

"Hell yeah, and I would have a little skillet and we could like fry some fish, I can cook a mean piece of Salmon." - Andy

"We could stay up and watch the stars...God that would be beautiful."

"We might have a problem come the morning. I think campus security would be like, "What do you think you're doing?"-Andy

"Oh, they would get us LONG before that, probably about the time we start putting up the tent and building a fire..." - Me

"They'd be like, "Hey you two, you're coming with us", and then they attack us and take out their tazers and shock us, just for fun." - Andy

(I'm laughing)

"I'd be like, "Officer! I'm not resisting arrest! (zzzzaaappp) Oh God! Help!" - Andy said while waving his hands in defense with a big grin on his face.

Another time while parked outside a Dick's Sporting Goods Store, we noticed a Mattress Store, I have to say the conversation after, was imaginative, but I already was seeing the scene appear in my mind.

"Is that one of those places that have nothing but like beds laying around for you to try out?" -Andy asking about Mattress City.

"Yeah, you can actually like lay on them before you buy them," knowing where this was heading, I was already laughing.

"I would be like bring a bunch of my friends after a party, and we'd all be like, aaaahhhh (mimicking that he was drunk) and we'd all pass out on the beds, drool would be like dripping out of my mouth as I take a drink and the salesperson would be like, "Uh, are you going to buy that?" And I'd be like, hold on, I'm still testing it out." - Andy says as he mimicks passing out.

"I think they would be trying to kick you and your friends out by that time...especially if you all were drunk, not to mention the cops being called, but I think I milk it for all its worth and jump on the beds."

"I'd be like, but officer, I was just trying out the beds! No, no, not the tazer!" Andy replied laughing.

Like I said, we come up with some wild stories, and it usually ends up with us getting arrested. But by that time, I am rolling with laughter. But he also listens seriously when I am talking to him on a serious note. He is very thoughtful and caring so far on anything I have to say. I see a lot of myself in him. If we were to hold up a mirror, we would reflect each other. He is like a long lost brother to me, and became a best friend in a matter of a few weeks. Any free time we had we would go to Mars Music Center, play on the drums, guitars, and pianos. Then we would do a detour and go to a CD Warehouse or even make a trip to K-Mart. Recently we have been on a mission for an Aerobie. I don't know why I haven't even bought one yet. Its the closest thing I will come to getting Xena's chakram.

At this point, guilt was weighing heavily on me to tell him the truth. Of all my close friends, he was the hardest to tell. There came a day, I knew he had to know. We were eating, and he mentioned something that reminded me that I needed to tell him. I also felt the need to say something incase he was beginning to like me "in that way". I did realize that I cared about him, but beyond that, I know I could never go beyond a best friend with him, and yet the thought of him leaving me for another girl that was hetero, was depressing. I was torn, again. All I want is someone like me to spend time with, hang out with, and know that time won't be interrupted because of someone else. Or if he did happen to get a girlfriend, I would hope all 3 of us could get along with out anyone getting jealous.

When it came time to tell him, I was stumbling over words, and saying things that would've made sense to no one else but him due to the fact we were always on the same brainwave. I didn't realize that he had figured it out in those few minutes of my rambling. But he told me we should go outside, up on "our" hill. As we walked up the hill, he mentioned wanting to make some flags so we could "stake out" our territory. After saying he was serious, I laughed feeling better about the upcoming situation. As we placed our backpacks down, he said,

"I think I know what it is you are going to tell me, but I know it's important for you to say it."

'God, he knew me; and only after a few weeks. Unbelievable.' I thought.

"You're right. Its just getting it out and I consider you a best friend, thats what is making this so hard."  I started thinking about all the times he made me laugh, and all the times we hung out, and how I could lose it all in 3 words. 'I am gay.' I decided to choose another group of words...Here goes...

"I like girls.(long pause). I just think they are so cute, the ones that have brains that is the way they act, they make themselves up, wear these tight jeans that are low cut...sorry, too much information."  I was already rambling and defending my reason for liking girls without giving him the chance to speak, so I shut up and looked at the ground.

He said, "Its okay, its okay(smiling). I knew that. Earlier, while were sitting at the table I kind of figured it out."

I searched his face for the answer, while waiting for the verbal answer. He began talking of there being many different people in the world and that race has always been an issue for him. But even if we made it to where it wasn't, people would always find something different about someone else to point out. As he would state, "Like oh my God, they are wearing blue shorts, and I am not!"

In a few long sentences he summed up to me that he didn't care. I was assured when I asked him if we still were going to have our "scary movie night".

He said, "Of course! You think that that's going to change anything?!"

I will explain. For the longest time we have been planning this night where we are going to watch a bunch of movies. On our list is so far, Relic, Simpsons, South Park, Mulan Rouge and Airplane while eating this huge cookie with icing. We have added Chili Cheese Fritos, T-bone steaks, and Salmon fish to the list as well. We both plan on eating all of this without silverware, of course. Whatever rules we were brought up with, we plan on breaking them. It reminds me of a scene out of Hook when at the dinner table, one of the lost boys explains to Peter Pan (Robin Williams), "We have silverware, so we don't have to use it." We have added a bunch of other things to do to our list as well, like sitting in his hot tub while drinking Caprisun in Santa Clause caps. By the time we get to do our "night", it will probably be 5 degrees below zero outside; not to mention it will probably be pretty close to Christmas by that time. We both enjoy doing simple activities, but just haven't had the time to do our night; school itself has kept us both busy. We have laughed how fun it would be to eat until we had to "pray to the porcelain God". We would laugh so hard my stomach would hurt, and tears would be coming out of his eyes. I honestly say I have never met a guy I felt such a connection with and would not have to worry about how I act. It seems even better when we both stop and gaze upon a passing female that is cute, or admire a woman in motion pictures that intrigues us.

The best part of this entire ordeal was the fact that I wasn't looking for it. It just happened. And I believe thats how it works. I dont care what you want to call it, God, fate, luck, karma, voodoo, or anything else I didn't cover, things will happen when you least expect it. All this time, prior to meeting him, I have to say the majority of my attention was on finding a female partner. But instead, I found a guy that was everything I imagined in a girl but for whatever reason, it worked out this way, and I am glad to have a twin brother.